Thursday, March 20, 2008

Things NOT to do when you are G.R.U.M.P.Y.

I am in a MOOD this morning. I've been trying to shake it, but to no avail. So, I'm embracing it in an effort to, if accepted, allow it to dissipate into the universe where all grumpiness belongs (because it definitely doesn't need to live in MY house, though it does tend to like to come visit, but that's a bit more esoteric than I, a grumpy woman, wants to think about).

So here are things NOT to do when grumpy:

1. Do NOT try to ponder going to beautiful and wonderful and holy places when you husband asks you at the last minute if you, perhaps, would care to make a 4 hour trip to said place the next day with kids in tow. An answer, which perhaps isn't the one even you want and is definitely not WWJD, will immediately spring to mind and you will feel more guilt and grumpiness and that is not the trend we are going for. Instead, try to release your grumpiness to the universe and THEN ponder this question verses dwelling on it and getting your knickers more in a twist than they should be at such a simple question.

2. Do NOT cut your own hair in an attempt to give yourself bangs and a jaunty spring/Easter attitude and hairdo. You know you always cut above the scissors, thus giving yourself a British Sci-fi Heroine look that you, yourself, find personally abhorrent. You also know that you cannot stop with bangs, and instead will give yourself the new definition of "layers." Comfort yourself in knowing that, once you have taken yourself to "Ze Bathroom Zalon," that you have naturally curly hair that is very forgiving. Also know that in 3 weeks, your bangs will look fabulous and you can wear them outside the headband with pride.

3. Do NOT even ponder for more than a few seconds threatening your children with throwing all their toys in the garbage if they do not get them cleaned up because you are tired of no one listening to you and if they want any of their friends to visit on the first day of spring and play on the swing set they had better darn well get it cleaned up. Instead, feel proud of yourself for threatening to put your children's toys In TIMEOUT for two weeks if they don't get them cleaned up because you are tired of no one listening to you and if they want any of their friends....

4. Do NOT personally throw children's toys away when disgusted with the cute but useless little cubby thing that is supposed to contain appropriately small percentage of all the toys that emerge into your living room from the basement wonderland of toys (the basement being homebase where all toys technically belong). Instead, really be proud of yourself when you haul said useless cubby thing down to the basement and bring up a much bigger, much more realistic storage bin container because, seriously, this is how your children throwing all toys, papers, sippies, Barbies, babies, dinosaurs, dress-up clothes, necklaces, Happy Meal Toys and play dough remnants into one big plastic container.

5. Do NOT feed your children their snack of Easter cookies that your Visiting Teacher/Neighbor truly thoughtfully dropped off the evening before and you carelessly promised to your children during the grumpy morning hours that they could have for a snack after they'd finished breakfast and got dressed. Because by the time you finally emerge from "Ze Bathroom Zalon," it will be 11:50 when you are serving these frosted gigantic beauties and lunch will be postponed for...heck, who knows how long. Instead, comfort yourself by serving large glasses of milk and think that somehow the protein of the bovine liquid will balance out the sugar content and maybe you could just claim this as lunch.

I'm sure there are more things NOT to do when grumpy, but I myself did not have an Easter cookie and I realize that if I don't eat something soon, I will get grumpy again and have to start this whole process over.

Oh. By the way: Happy First Day of Spring.


What's up with the Walkers! said...

Wow, I thoroughly love reading your excerpts, so much to learn about life from someone so wise:) When I came to your blog I was blown away by the beautiful scenery, that's not what you had before! Where did you get that, very impressive. Michelle

Lacie Muramoto said...

I'm not kidding! Faithfully everyday, I come to your blog in need of some adult interaction, and everyday, I am filled! You crack me up every time I read!! Your vocabulary is fantastic and you write so wonderfully! I know that i say this everytime I comment on your blog, but honestly, can you tell how much I DO NOT get to listen to other women???!! REALLY, you are a breath of fresh air and I LOVE IT!!

I love the toy comment, however, I'd say embrace the fact that there is no way in heck you want to physically throw all those toys away! But A+ for a mighty threat!

Anonymous said...

Your sister loves you. And she thinks this was the funniest thing she's read in a long, long time. Stay strong!