I know, I know, it's like, PLEASE put something else besides that gross Dr. Pepper entry. You'll be happy to know that I finally just drained that bad boy down the sink and wished it a fond, adieu (to you, and you, and you!...can you name the movie?)
My blogging has been rather slight these past few months and I realized that it's that way for several reasons. Among them, someone read something that I posted and had a negative reaction to it and told me about it, so that was weird and I didn't quite know how to deal with it. A wise sister just said, keep writing, so I've been trying to do that but have felt a little gun shy about posting so honestly.
Another is that things that are happening in our little family are so raw or confusing or tender that I just don't know how or what to say. One minute I'm feeling so blessed that I can't even utter words to express what is exploding in my heart, and other times, I'm so weary in my head and my soul feels so heavy that I just want a time-out; I want to flee from being who I am and where I'm at. I want to step back from being the adult and responsible. And THEN, when I look at friends who are around me and whose burdens actually are so heavy in comparison, I feel blessed AND guilty AND overwhelmed at the same time because, truth be told, we are fine. You know? Really. So blessed. We are blessed and we have been blessed, anonymously and face to face. Heavenly and earthly. Yes. I'm so utterly grateful that the trials that we have are just these and not some others. But it's amazing that even these little trivial ones are so stressful and tiring.
So, yeah. I'm trying to embrace that whole, "Come what may and LOVE it," attitude, but alas! I have noticed that I've turned into a grouser. Or someone whose negativity seems to be spilling through the cracks. I have friends whose blogs I read and I am constantly amazed at the happy tone they have. The cheerful attitude they express about their family and life and I'm kinda ashamed that I can't do the same. I can't just post pictures and say, "Look how super my kids are!" Honestly, I'm jealous. I covet that happy cheery attitude. I'm not sure what happened to me and mine.
Because, instead, I post how Miss E ate three cupcakes, willfully stuffing the third in her mouth after I told her to put it down and has been telling me NO all day long. How did that happen??? How was it that now that she turned 5, she's developed a rebellious streak and a non-listening attitude that is in conflict with all parental authority??? Seriously. Overnight? Huh. Did not see that coming.
Or I write about my incredible dream crushing abilities as a mom and wife. No, children. You may NOT go outside to play because your mom fears Swiper coming to swipe you away. Yes, I realize that you will be social pariahs because you only sit at home in front of the tv or computer, but at least I know where you are. sigh. No, honey, I would not camp out on a beach with you in Florida (if I were there) because that is SO not on my list of things to do in my lifetime. The potential bugs. The potential crocodiles. Ugh. It is beyond what I am capable right now. Thank goodness my brother is willing to help you achieve that goal of YOURS, because I simply cannot do it. Or won't. Which at this point is the same thing.
So, yeah. I'm jealous as a I read about everyone else's life. Because it seems so good. And I'm not sure what happened here, to me, to get me here in my pit of goo where it's okay to blog about the crispness of a beverage a week after it's been purchased and is still in my fridge, instead of my daughter's birthday. Or how Miss A's almost done with kindergarten and writes me love notes. Or how Miss O continues to be Miss O. Or that Miss Q has been able to stay in the childcare without shrieking out her lungs while at the YMCA, which has afforded me a mental health break and I love her oh so much for that. Or even that Super J took me out on a date! Wahoo!!!!! Instead, you get Carbonated Beverage Miracles. Ugh. Because there's something whacked about that, I just gotta say. WHY was it still in my fridge? Why can't I get my act together and clean my house and MAINTAIN that WITH a clear head and happy heart? Dang.
The humanity of it all is crazy, isn't it?
So, I'm sorry if I offend(ed) you in any way. It's not meant to, that's for sure. But I've decided that I've gotta be able to just say what needs to be said, so sorry if you get offended in the future. You'll just have to deal with it, I suppose, because there's only so much I can do and it is what it is. Besides, I don't want to be this way forever. So I'll work the program...Hi, I'm Miss L, and I'm a grouser. But I want to be happy and cheerful again. Really.
Just give me some time. It'll happen. Eventually. Because if a Dr. Pepper can still be fizzy and drinkable for 8 days before it gets poured like Draino, I know I can trust that other strange and miraculous things will continue to happen all around me. And that's pretty hopeful if I do say so myself.