Monday, May 5, 2008

And now for a subject I simply must blog about...

With Superman J and my getaway approaching, it was suggested to us by a dear friend that we could get a jump start on our tanned glow by getting a "Mystic Tan." As I cannot tan in a traditional tanning bed whilst pregnant, this seemed like a good option. I'd never done it before, but Superman J was pumped by the idea and this would be yet another prep thing for the trip that we could do together, like a date! And, we'd be glowing. Tanned and bronzed. OHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh VANITY! Ahhhhhhhhh, cruel, cruel beast you are!

So, here's my question to you: Have you ever done this? It is, to say the least, a life experience.

After dropping off the kiddos, we went to our fabulous local tanning parlor. See the gentleman in the picture. This is from an actual Mystic Tan ad, and it's pretty much what happens. You step into this little box, wave your hand in front of a sensor and a "soothing" voice tells you to stand on particular numbers. In "3...2...1" your tanning session begins, starting at your feet and it
moves upwards, eventually hitting your face. However, the vapors from the mist start rising the instant they jet out towards your feet and you are blasted with a mix that is so "mist"-ick, you are like...How on earth do I breathe with this? Should I breathe? Oh my heaven's above! What have I gotten myself into! Is this toxic? It wasn't supposed to BE toxic, but where is all my clean air???? Can I open the door because right now, I'm starting to panic! Yes! Panic! PANIC ATTACK!!!! In Progress...NOW!

During my session, I was sprayed 4 times, and I rotated my body around these number things so I got sprayed from feet to top (rotate slightly), top to feet (rotate slightly again), feet to top (rotate again, but it was my back...not so terrible because it's not soooo in your face), top to feet (and it's the back, once again). Technically, you are supposed to be standing calmly with your arms like the gentleman above. I have no idea how the heck I was standing because, let's be honest. I was trying to figure out if I could even hold my breath while I was being sprayed without fleeing the tiny shrinking mist-filled box.

Normally, I like to think I could hold my breath for 10 seconds, which is about how long it lasts. HOWEVER. When you are panicking, guess what. VERY HARD to hold said breath. Did you ever see "Mary Poppins?" I love the line, "Close your mouth, please, Michael. We are not a codfish." Ahhhhh, it makes me laugh every time.

Yeah. I was a codfish.

A gasping codfish, trying to hold my breath, during a panic attack. So. Pretty.

But I did it! I triumphed! It's a good thing I am pasty white and the cute girl gave me the very first level, so at least I didn't look like this when I left the booth (please forgive the swearing towards the end): (Scroll your mouse over this and you'll see it is actually a link to a segment of a Friends episode...I laughed so hard while I watched this, I was crying and I knew I had to share.)

And for those who might be concerned about me being 7 months preggo and all...I called my doctor and they gave me the okay to do this.

After the session, Superman J and I kept comparing and saying, "I think you look tanner!" to each other. Feeling sooooo sexy. Acting sooooooo self congratulatory. Tsk. When we went to pick up the girls, Miss A said, "I don't think you look very tan," and later said, "I think I'm tanner than you are, Mom." Ahhhhhhh yes. Out of the mouth of babes.

We may have to go back. Ha!

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